Don’t Grill, Engage

I want to have more quality conversations with my 13-year-old daughter, but she’s growing up and “Mom” doesn’t have the same role in her life as I used to.  When I see her after school, I always ask about her day.  It’s a routine, but we certainly don’t have a quality conversation most of the time.  

We fall into patterns when we aren’t purposeful in our intent.  Have you ever been driving and not remembered the last few minutes or miles?  I have – I’ve been so absorbed in my own thoughts that I went on autopilot and safely continued driving but not paying attention.  We do this with communication patterns and habits, falling into an unconscious routine. 

What is the outcome that I am looking for?  I want my daughter to talk to me passionately about the good things and bad things (ANYTHING!) that were in her day.  I want her to open up and give me stories and details so I can be a part of her life.

Having a conversation implies at least fairly equal participation from both parties.  Yes, that’s hard sometimes with a middle schooler, but not impossible.   I have to be the one that guides us to more meaningful dialog. 

How do I do that?  I reflected on great conversations I’ve had.    What happened and what did we do that elicited a great discussion?  There were questions from both parties. There was sharing, and we both were fully present and attentive to the other. We both listened actively. If I want that behavior from my child, I must model it. 

Above all, I had to stop asking the closed questions.  Closed questions are those that can be answered with a one-word answer (yes, no, fine). When you end up peppering your child with question after question just to keep the conversation a live, you are grilling them.  If you want a better answer, you must ask a better question… and that will be the focus of my next article.

Until then – find a way to show as well as tell your child, “I love you.”

My best,

Tess Haranda

CMS North – 6^th Language Arts

Personal life, career, executive coach

www.successwithtess.com